Barbara Shea, Lower School Principal
No matter the year, the last days of school seem to arrive all too quickly! Nevertheless, the students are prepared for the next grade level, and they have used the last few weeks to bring closure to their studies and to reflect on their significant growth since September. There is much to celebrate! Student success is a direct result of the combined efforts from teachers and families, and we appreciate the collaborative support that our families provide. Now, our students' thoughts are on the summer ahead and the opportunity to devote more time to all that they enjoy. For some students, that will mean more time playing outdoors, reading the books they want to read, and possibly spending more time on the internet, either connecting with friends or playing games. In light of this, I felt it valuable to provide information and resources to guide families as they navigate a constantly changing internet world with their children.
Earlier in the month, our fourth graders heard Francesca Rios '02, a Manhattan assistant district attorney, give a presentation on Digital Citizenship and online safety for students. As a thirteen-year alumna of RCDS, Ms. Rios knows the culture of our school as well as the expectations and norms. In her conversation with our students, she was adept in engaging them to mine the information they have regarding internet safety and to address the gaps that surfaced. When the students were asked how many had phones, nearly all the hands went up; when she asked how many students had social media accounts, most hands were raised. Ms. Rios reminded students that everything that is put out on social media is public, permanent, and the information that is posted then belongs to another party. The user no longer has control of what is posted, a very critical concept!
Students shared that they are most likely to use a phone for social media, which makes it harder for the adults in their lives to set boundaries for use, and is harder to monitor. They learned how sensitive information can be gleaned about them through inadvertent handles that include names, birth dates or places particular to the individual. When students were asked how one can discern if the person they friend online is truly who they think they are, our students reflected their innocence and their lack of world experiences. Ms. Rios quickly dispelled their ideas by reminding them that a person's profile online may be very different than the person they are in real life and reinforcing the fact that they should friend only people they know in real life. It was surprising to see how many students had received unsolicited messages from people they did not know, and the importance in telling a parent, a teacher, a dean – an adult! When cyberbullying came up, the students were aware of the dangers and consequences of hurtful online comments. However, as an assistant district attorney, she explained that her role is to prosecute those who hurt and defraud others through the use of the internet. Ms. Rios was adept in engaging our students; they had many questions or stories to share, and they welcomed the opportunity to talk about something that has become a part of their social lives.
As the adults, our responsibility is to guide our children in developing safe practices in technology, a difficult endeavor when we are also trying to keep up with its changing landscape. I have asked Katie O'Shaughnessey, Department Chair of Computer Science to share some of her insights with Lower School families so that you have the resources to decide how you wish to handle internet safety in your homes. Here are her thoughts:
Parents often ask what can be done about social media and what they should be doing about it. There is not a quick and simple answer to that question, and each family must navigate what works well for them. Below, I write my favorite techniques for parenting children in the digital age, and I hope some of these strategies might be of help to some of you as well.
- Consider waiting to give your child a phone: Research shows that phones are addictive by design. Consider giving your child's brain more time to mature before giving them access to a phone. There is a parent movement called "Wait Until 8th" with an informative website about why some parents are choosing not to give their children cell phones before eighth grade.
- Talk to your child: Have conversations with your child on an ongoing basis to learn about their favorite games, youTubers, and apps.
- Show your child: When teaching children to cross the street, parents start by holding hands and verbally instructing them what to do. Eventually, children learn to cross without holding hands. Finally, after years of practice and observation, children cross the street safely without a parent, automatically knowing to look for cars. Plan to follow a similar model when teaching your child how to use social media. Begin by doing activities on the phone with your child: play their favorite games, watch their favorite youTuber, help them craft a social media post. As you do so, discuss the best practices and pitfalls that may come up. When you see that your child is successfully interacting with an app, gradually release the monitoring and give them more freedom, but keep the discussion going. Parents would never let a child walk into a city alone without first modeling positive and successful behaviors for them. Parents should use the same level of care when exposing their child to the internet and social media.
- Set boundaries: Children respond very well to boundaries. Clear guidelines for social media usage can help elementary age children resist social pressure.
- Consider a contract for the child or for the whole family: Set appropriate boundaries for your own use, as well as your child's usage of digital media. Determine consequences should you or your child break the contract. Let your child help you write the contract. Some example contracts can be found at these websites:
- Model positive behaviors: Make sure that your child sees you using your phone in a positive way. Avoid using your phone at times that you feel it would be inappropriate for your child to use a phone such as when you are driving, at the dinner table, or in conversation. https://thesocialinstitute.com/downloads/family-social-standards-agreement/
- Ask for consent before posting images and videos: Ask your child for consent before posting their image or video online. This also models this behavior for their own social media use, and honors their ownership over their own image.
- Consider screen time limits: There are many ways to monitor screen time, including many built into phones.
- A parent's guide to Apple's screen time feature: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/how-to-use-apples-screen-time-feature
- A Guide to Parental Controls by Device: https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting...
- Set up parental controls on the device: Apple and Android products have built in features, such as screen time and family sharing, that help parents monitor the content on their child's device.
- A Guide to Parental Controls by Device: https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/a-guide-to-parental-controls-by-device/
- Step by step tips for setting up your child's iphone: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/step-by-step-tips-to-set-up-your-kids-iphone
- Apple Family Sharing: https://www.apple.com/family-sharing/
- Google Play Controls: https://support.google.com/googleplay/answer/1075738?hl=en
- Check in on "friends" lists: Regularly look through your child's friends lists with them on their social media apps. Make sure that they are only friending people that they know in real life.
- Give privileges incrementally with app controls, conversation, and monitoring: Talk to your child about the monitoring you are doing and use it to fuel conversation. Be aware that children can sometimes get around these app monitors, so app monitors should not replace regular conversations with your child. As your child demonstrates his or her facility with various apps, you can gradually give more freedom. There is a wide range of mechanisms to monitor children's activity online, many built into the phone. Choose the monitoring tool that works best for your family. Some suggestions for getting started are here:
- Parental Apps for Monitoring: http://internetsafetyconcepts.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Parental-Apps-for-website.pdf
- PC Mag Best Parental Control Reviews: https://www.pcmag.com/roundup/240282/the-best-parental-control-software
- Best Cell Phone Parental Control Software Reviews: https://www.toptenreviews.com/software/privacy/best-cell-phone-parental-control-software/
- Invest in your own learning: Social media is constantly changing, and it can be overwhelming to keep up, but in order to keep our children safe, we must stay up to date. Some good sites for learning include:
- Parents Need to Know section from CommonSense Media: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/parent-concerns
- CommonSense Media parent reviews for apps: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/
- General parent information about internet safety and social media apps from Internet Safety Concepts: https://internetsafetyconcepts.com/parents/
- Ways social media is like fire, both good and bad, and how that metaphor helps us navigate the digital world: http://www.chicagonow.com/between-us-parents/2017/12/social-media-is-like-fire/
Ask a teen for help: Our Upper School Peer Leaders recently shared their insights with faculty and staff about their social media usage. It was one of our most meaningful professional development experiences of the year. If you have questions about social media, ask a teen in your life for advice. They are often very passionate and willing to share with you how different apps work and what the risks might be for your child.
We hope this column provides the resources to help you and your family. My best wishes to all our families for a wonderful summer!